I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
