Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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