what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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