watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
