broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Help. Why am I so naked?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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