i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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