about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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