i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
