He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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