I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
even my farts smell like vagina
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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