she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
