Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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