I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
