rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need a beard to bite.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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