Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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