How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
