after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
