we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
