Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
