so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
