Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
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New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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