I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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