someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
