Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
