Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
