Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
