You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
