Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
