I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
