He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize