Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
