took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
