I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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