Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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