Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Enjoy the penises
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
