I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
