My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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