My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
