gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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