I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
