I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
