Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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