I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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