i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
