I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
