He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
