He disabled his match.com account in front of me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
