What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
