bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
