Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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