someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
