I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
