My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
