i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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