I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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