guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND