i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
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so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
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You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial