i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.