This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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