he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
