How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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